The power game -- are you a player?

"Fear is the controlling power of every society."
~Gerry Spence

If you asked for one word that is the root of the most difficult interpersonal conflicts we face, it would be fear.

You may argue that most difficult situations result from people who are overly aggressive or difficult to work with, and you would win that argument.  Beneath the aggressive and out of control behavior lies fear -- the fear of losing something dear to many – control.

In domestic abuse situations, the abuser seemingly “loses control” and physically or verbally (or both) abuses the victim, only to apologize later, explaining how he or she just lost control in the heat of the moment.  The abuser is looking to excuse his or her behavior.  An excuse is just that – a method of excusing their behavior and shirking responsibility and accountability.

However, the method behind the madness is that the abuser had lost control to gain it.  The abuser is saying to the victim something along the lines of “See what happens when you try to take control from me?  Don’t cross me or you will suffer the same consequences the next time.”  The abuser gains control because the victim gives up control.

The same applies to those we deal with in work and in life.  Do you know someone who people try to avoid “crossing,” or “ruffling feathers?”  These people are using the same tactic of losing control to gain control.  These people have earned a reputation for acting out because they don’t know how to solve problems.  When they can’t control circumstances and are unable to deal with their problems, they throw an adult “temper tantrum” to gain control back.  After all, if nobody stands up to them and gives them what they want, they have won control.  They got what they wanted.

In these situations, it is not easy to hold your ground.  It is easy to take the path of least resistance, and default to passive behavior, because in doing so you appease the aggressor, which is what the aggressor wants.  However, this sends a message to the aggressor that you are easy prey, and that you can be tapped into for another “power drain” at any time, when the aggressor needs some much-needed control in the future.

I wanted to share a philosophy I have learned from the book How to Argue & Win Every Time: At Home, At Work, In Court, Everywhere, Everyday, by Gerry Spence.  It has really helped me when dealing with people who have tried to leverage power to intimidate me.  I still use it to this day.  Here it is:

The power a person has over you is the power you give them permission to have.  If you don’t give them permission to control you, they won’t have control over you.

It has done wonders for me, and I hope it does the same for you.

Have a great day!

-Victor