Leave the drama for the stage

Why do children throw temper tantrums?  You may think it is because the children are acting out when things didn't go the way they had hoped.  That's very true.  However, why do children really throw temper tantrums?  The answer is that children are really trying to leverage the situation to gain control, or power, of the situation.  It really comes down to control.

When a child throws a tantrum, they are hoping that the parents will take the bait, and give in to his or her demands.  By acting out and "losing it," the child actually gains control.  If the parents continually give in, and say, essentially, "Fine, whatever...Just stop screaming," they are teaching the child that acting out solves their problems.  By acting out, the child is able to get his or her way.

Fast forward, now, to adulthood.  If a person learned that acting out was a way to gain control, and it worked for them as a child through adulthood, why would they ever suspect that it doesn't work anymore?  The only problem is this person has been convinced for many years that acting out solves their problems.  This ineffective way of solving problems causes lots of issues, however, for this person's co-workers.

Have you ever worked with someone, who just "lost it" when you asked them about something that made them feel uncomfortable?  Have you ever worked with someone, who when they didn't get their way, slammed doors or stomped out of the room, obviously upset about not getting things exactly the way they wanted?  Some people go a step further and "keep score" of the people who "crossed" them, so they can "get even" later.  They will resort to spreading rumors, lying, manipulating others, and the like, in an attempt to sabotage the people who "wronged" them.  People who act in this way are rare, but they are very difficult to deal with when they are in your workplace.  I really hope you haven't had to experience this, but unfortunately, some people have had to deal with people who act in this manner.

Why do they act this way?  The reason is simple -- they are losing control to gain it.  People who act this way know that it would be inappropriate to throw themselves on the floor and kick and cry and scream, so they have to act out in more "adult" ways, by "blowing up" or slamming doors, or other physical or emotional outbursts.  They are trying to say to everyone, "Don't you dare cross me, or you will suffer the consequences."  In physically-abusive relationships, this happens as well.  The abuser "loses it" and hits the abused.  Why?  Because they are losing control to gain control.  The abuser is saying "Don't you dare cross me, or you will suffer the consequences."  The problem is, when someone uses emotionally abusive tactics in the workplace, such as backbiting, spreading rumors, and the whole gammit, it's a lot harder to see and it's a lot harder to convince supervisors that it's going on.

James Lehman stated, "Repeated disrespectful behavior is abuse," and I agree one hundred percent.  If someone is repeatedly disrespecting you, or losing control to gain control over you or others in the workplace, this person is an abuser -- a workplace bully, if you want to give it a label.  Lehman also said, "There's no excuse for abuse," and I agree.

Unfortunately, unless you are this person's supervisor, there is little you can do in this situation to change matter (besides convincing management that they need to bring a corporate culture consultant in).  One of the sticky points of dealing with people who act in an aggressive way in the workplace who are colleagues is that you don't have any authority over them to communicate clearly that it's wrong.  Your best defense, when someone is acting aggressively toward you, is to be assertive.  Learning how to be assertive takes a long time, and I can't teach this in a blog post, but I did give some tips on being assertive in an earlier post.

The bottom line is if you feel someone is losing it emotionally, you can't take it personally.  This person has learned how to get his or her way by acting out since they were too young to talk.  Avoid contact with people who you feel are prone to acting out as much as possible (this doesn't equate to letting them have their way).  If you do encounter an emotional outburst, try to communicate that you are sorry they feel that way, but most importantly, do not change your mind and give in or run after them if they storm off.  The best thing to do is let them know you aren't going to empower their behavior by responding to it.  Always be professional and respectful when working with colleagues, and leave the drama for the stage.

Best wishes,

Victor