Enabling change...With umbrellas...

I spoke with a woman who had come to me for advice on how to deal with some difficult people in her workplace.  She told me all the things that her co-workers did, and how unprofessionally they were acting, and how toxic the work environment was.  She was looking for the "magic wand" solution -- A solution that would miraculously change how people acted, so going to work would be more enjoyable.  She told me that she just wanted people to get along, to stop acting immaturely, and most importantly, to just leave her alone.

I told her that, unfortunately, it is next to impossible to cause a change in someone.  Unless the difficult person realizes that they are engaging in unproductive or ineffective behavior patterns, and makes the decision to make changes to his or her behaviors, it's difficult to "force" anyone to change their ways.  As a matter of fact, people's personalities are established before they are born, so it's futile to think that one could hope to change someone's personality any easier than it would be to change the color of their eyes, for example.

I told this woman that she needed to consider reflecting on how she was interacting with her co-workers, and that in all likelihood, if she wanted to see changes in the work environment, she would have to change the way she interacted with the people she viewed as difficult.

I simply waited for the predictable response...

"...But why do I have to be the one to change?  I am not part of the problem.  I just want people to get along, and to leave me alone."

I can completely understand her line of thinking, and to be honest, she has a point, and she was probably more right than wrong.
Here's how I explained why she needed to be the one who changed...

source: rotary5320.org

Imagine the weather forecast says there's a seventy-five percent chance of rain.  Imagine that you are heading to an outdoor event -- let's say it's a fair.  Because there is a chance it will rain, you grab your umbrella and take it with you.  Imagine that time passes, and you are now outside at the fair, with no shelter in sight, and it starts to rain.

You now have a choice -- you can either stand put, and not change, and leave your umbrella folded up at your side, and continue to get wet, or you can enable change, and open up the umbrella and shelter yourself from the rain.

I would venture to guess any rational person would simply open up the umbrella so they would stay dry.  It would be hard to imagine anyone would stand in the rain, looking upward, and ask the sky, "...But, why do I have to be the one to change?  Why can't you just stop raining?"

When we place the umbrella over our heads, the water strikes the surface of the umbrella, and slides along until it drops to the ground below, and it no longer gets us wet.  By enabling change and putting up the umbrella, a remakable thing happenes -- the rainfall, which seemingly could not be stopped, changed or altered, had no choice but to change its direction when it interacted with the umbrella.

By changing the way we interacted with the rain, the rain had to change the way it interacted with us.

Similarly, if we change the way we interact with others, it will likely enable a change in how others interact with us.

So while we can't change the nature of people (their personalities), we may be able to enable a change in others' behaviors.  By learning how to open up our personal umbrellas and shelter ourselves from ineffective and unproductive behaviors of others, we just may see a change in the way others behave toward us.

Best wishes,

-Victor