Looking back at a literal crossroads (Part 1)

This past weekend, I happened to drive past the site of the moment that irreversibly changed my life forever.  I was making my way back from a trip to Madison with my best friend, and I almost didn’t realize how close I was, and once I did, I had to make a stop.

I snapped this picture as I was parked at the intersection

Eighteen years ago, when I was sixteen years old, my life changed forever at the corner of County Highway I and and Cedar Creek Road.  On July 27, 1993, I was involved in a major car accident, as a passenger alongside my mom.  I luckily survived the crash, but unfortunately my mom was killed.

I found myself at a literal crossroads.  I was there, very much alone, and I remember taking inventory of all my life had been up to that point, and looking to the future, full of uncertainty and ambiguity.  Losing your parent and all that it means is a lot to process, much less trying to do it in a few minutes after a major life-changing event.

Whether I liked it or not, and whether I wanted it or not, it was a time of change.  I had no choice but to accept that change was coming in my life.  Full of fear and the unknown, it was a scary proposition, and I failed miserably in coping with my changed life.  I went into a major depression, gained about 100 pounds, struggled academically, had difficulty holding down even a temporary summer job, and simply felt that I was not who I was before the accident.  I was a mess.

It literally took me the better part of ten years to finally get my life back in order, shake the depression, lose the weight, and feel like I did before this mess happened.  It’s sad, because in many ways I feel I lost ten years of my life, largely because I literally cannot remember some events of my life during that period, especially around the year 1997, when I hit my absolute lowest point.

It wasn’t until March of 2002, when I finally grew disgusted with what I had let myself become.  I remember sitting on the couch, watching television, and then glancing down at my big gut.  It was a defining moment – I was again at a crossroads, and this time I had finally had enough with the nonsense of feeling sorry for myself.  From that moment on, I made a promise to myself that I was never going back to that dark place in my life.

What happened?  I finally chose to hold myself accountable for my actions.  I finally decided to stop hanging the burden of responsibility on everything and everyone else.  Every time I was faced with a challenge, I conveniently excused my failure or lack of initiative on the fact that something terrible happened to me when I was sixteen years old.  I was using it as an excuse, so that I didn’t have to change, and so that I didn’t have to work for anything.  It was my crutch.

Finally, I decided that I was not going to let one moment determine how I conduct myself for the rest of my life.  I was not going to live and die by that single critical moment.  I had my whole future ahead of me, and I was wasting my life away because I was lazy and irresponsible!

Don’t get me wrong – the transformation wasn’t overnight, and it wasn’t perfect.  Even though I had accomplished great things, there still was work to be done (and I am still working).  At this moment, however, the discovery of self-responsibility and accountability, in my estimation, was equally as defining as the moment I had lost my mom.  How could it not be? It literally propelled me back on track, bringing me back even better than ever!

As I drove up to the intersection of Highway I and Cedar Creek Road this past Saturday morning, I was at peace with myself, and I was at peace with the past.  This was the first time I had returned to the intersection since before 2002, so the feeling I had when pulling over and walking out to where the accident occurred was so different, compared to earlier visits.

I walked through the ditch, watching the grasshoppers jump to avoid my footsteps, and listening to the sounds of nature.  Everything seemed so tranquil – so serene.  I closed my eyes and felt the warmth of the summer air as I thought back to the sound of the my mother’s scream and the violent screeching of tires as my mom slammed on the brakes, followed by a bone-shattering crunch as the collision occurred.  I can recall the unmentionable horrors my eyes beheld as I saw my mother’s lifeless body inches from my own.  I opened my eyes and walked over to where our car rested, and where I contemplated my future.  I tried to just let everything soak in, as I simply reflected on that one moment, and my life as it has played out since then.

(To be continued...)