What is passive agressive behavior? In any interpersonal exchange, a person has a few options on how they are going to behave. A person can act passively, meaning that they will go along with what the other party says/does even if they don't really agree. The "score keeping" of a passive person is always "I lose, you win." A person can act in an aggressive manner, meaning that they demand to have things their way at all times, no matter how it affects others. The "score keeping" of an aggressive person is always "I win, you lose."
People who act in a passive-agressive manner display both behavior patterns, and it gets ugly. A passive-agressive behavior pattern usually begins with a person who acts like they will go along with whatever the other party says/does, even if they don't agree. The problem, however, comes from the next part of passive-aggressive behavior. The person actually gets emotionally upset about the fact that the other person is doing something that they don't agree with, or puts them in a difficult position. They then launch into an aggressive behavior pattern, where people "keep score" of all the times they didn't get their way. They tally these "losses" over a period of time, and let it fester. They plant those seeds of resentment, fully expecting a harvest down the road. Then, without any warning, it all comes out. They either "lose it" emotionally, or they work in a "get even" mode, where the resentment that has built over time fuels their determination to undo the wrongs that have been done to them. They unleash a list of events from the past, all seemingly in an attempt to justify their behavior.
One of the main problems, as you can see, is that the other parties are completely unaware of this growing resentment, largely because the person, while acting passively, was very agreeable to everything. Normally, if someone seems they are in agreement, there is the presumption that they are okay with the decision. If the passive-aggressive person would just assertively state their opinion or respectfully inject their thoughts, it empowers them to help solve the issue at hand and communicate their opinion, as part of the decision-making process.
What can you do if you know someone is acting in a passive-aggressive manner? Proactively, you can make sure that everyone is in agreement when decisions are being made, with clear goals and/or consequences outlined. If you say to someone, "Bob, if we go through with this, it means (insert blank)...If this happens, are you going to be okay with this? I value your input, so if you have any reservations or concerns, this would be the time to do bring them forward. I want us all to work together on this." This way the person is being specifically asked for their input, rather than taking their lack of a response as an agreement.
Also, if a person is coming to you doing a lot of back-biting (talking behind others' backs) about how they are upset about the situation, it usually is a good idea to remind them that they probably should communicate these concerns to the appropriate party, rather than ineffectively complaining to others. Complaining to others, while they may think it helps, just keeps fueling the fire, and adding to the resentment.
People who act passively-aggressively are very difficult people to work with, because they can silently build resentment, and unleash their fury in a variety of different ways and seemingly out of nowhere. Make sure that if you feel someone has displayed this behavior in the past or may be engaging in this type of behavior that you specifically ask for their input in the situation.
Remember that it's okay to agree to disagree. It's not okay, however, to agree while disagreeing. That only leads to problems down the road for everyone.
Best wishes,
Victor
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